Last night I had a dream that I was walking downtown amongst a crowd in town and you were there, a few steps behind me. What transpired wasn’t much but you eventually made a point to say to me, “Maybe I shouldn’t be listening to my fortunes after all.”
I flipped around and realized it was the girl in the white Guess coat from my past, and I asked, “What – fortune, as in fortune cookies?”
And as we walked, I tried to keep you there, in conversation. But we were all heading to some building, where we were then required to follow the mass up stairs, down poles, through tunnels…and I lost you in the process.
That’s exactly what I did in real life, too. As we were making our way through, I faltered and lost you early. At least, that’s how I feel about it. So I’d like to take this chance to throw out a few things that were on my mind just in case you were ever uncertain.
1. You were an awesome cheerleader, despite what any other girl ever said. I know it, because I would always compare you guys when you performed on the floor. In overhearing you mention to someone that there was some kind of social trouble between you and the team at one time, I worried that you would let those ego-hungry girls get the best of your esteem. They didn’t know true spirit – you did. I’m sorry you quit.
2. You were never in your sister’s shadow. I know you felt like it at times, but to everyone else, you were always your own person doing your own thing, and it never compared to her, for better or worse. The competition was all in your mind and you proceeded to graduate with honors. I was proud of you, for working so hard. You shined.
I never accepted the fact that you would be gone. You were someone I continued to occasionally hear about and so I suppose it suspended a lot of my feelings rather than resolve them. Maybe it was because you never seemed to change as we split off into separate worlds…you made mention in class to another student, how you didn’t think you were attending a school function because you “didn’t really have any friends [here] beyond good acquaintances, and it [didn’t] make much sense”… something along those lines. It made me sad to hear that.
Your memory far surpasses mine, I’m sure, but all I can remember is getting insanely jealous of your divided attention. To later discover that the people I envied hadn’t meant the world to you after all, really left an impression with me. We had all been finding out who we really were and in a very developmental stage I terminated something that I was too naïve to respect. So there I was, 4 years later, hearing you mention that no one in school really cared…when I cared. But there was nothing I could do. I had been watching you succeed, listening to you play your songs at piano concerts, observing your county fair exhibits…just so you know, I’ve always noticed.
And I’ll always miss you.
Autumn continues to dream of this girl every once in a while. Her lost friend races through the dark rooms of her dreamworld, almost always avoiding confrontation and forever fifteen years old.