A Freewrite I Saved To Preview But Found Too Horrible…

After 30 seconds of holding a kick stance sideways with my leg in the air, I lost my balance and almost fell over.

“Ok, other side,” she said.

The routine has a few parts that are hard for me, and it’s going to be a while before I can do as much as I want to, without hurting as much as I do. There have been a few times when I thought about quitting. I walked out to get a drink from the fountain and wondered what would happen if I just kept walking down the hall.

“I’d stop getting better, and feel bad. Been there. That feels worse.”

******

I had a dream that I walked through the crowd at a rave and plucked little items off the candiekids. Then I walked through other gatherings, collecting articles of clothing. When I reached a strip club, I tore the clothes off a few men and hurled their naked bodies up onto the stage. That part was in slow motion.

Turned around and handed an armful of clothing to girls who were just standing there, without any. Then we were all sitting down, watching as some men covered themselves with their hands. One sat under the lights trying to make sense of things. Another guy got to his feet, raised his arms and started dancing. I think I laughed at everyone, and that it ended there.

Also had a dream that I went up to heaven and knocked Jesus so hard upside the head that his entire chair fell over backwards. He was all…arms up, flailing. Had some kinda white dress on.

I want a dress. I don’t have one. I want one, sometimes. But I’m afraid I’d just spill something on it. Today I’ve already taken my shirt to wipe the coffee I spilled. And that’s just cause it was too far down to bend over and lick up.

Maybe a blue one?

Five A.M. and it is especially hard to be around. An expired placeholder from a bad book is a senior photo of Mandi. No counterspell; take one step backwards.

Magnifying glass held to my forehead reveals FACT: The grasshopper who played all summer long is bitter because she knows she could have done better.

Feels scared lately. Doesn’t want to think about anything. Doesn’t think about anything. Just wants to play.

8 Cups Of a Coffee Pot Later Accompanied By A Recurring Daymare that borders on hallucination, as it is both unwanted and unreal. The spider with one leg is holding up a bloody hatchet and laughing with my voice.

Autumn (unamused by my imagination): What are you doing to yourself?
Spider says: I’m hacking us the fuck up! I’ve just hacked me! All connections severed. No flow. I’m a big boiling ball of insect holding a goddamn hatchet and you say no to drugs! Imagine how much cooler I’d be right now if you had just put acid in your lower eyelid.
Autumn: You laugh and say creative things, but we’re sad.
Spider (waving cartoon hatchet): So come here! It’ll be hilarious.

I did that once; I pulled some legs from a Daddy Long Legs and then felt terrible, knowing it was newly disabled. It felt like this:

! I see you, bad thing. You are A SPIDER.
**picking at the legs in a bold move, maybe just a few years old**
(I’m sorry, but you are a spider.)
**seeing evil spider hobble off, forever worse off since me**
Oh… Oh, I’m sorry, Spider!

Coincidentally, I haven’t wished myself on anything or anyone, since.

Cue lack of transition. Cued.

Care packages often come with a miniature fixer-upper kit. Mine sat on the floor of my dorm and I stared at the screwdriver and sewing kit until it was suddenly taking apart the drawers and shelving to our complex. The strict honor student across the hall has no idea that I spent an afternoon crawling through what was once part of her closet. She probably figures her fingers are the only ones that have leafed through her diary and read thoughts such as “today during phone sex with my boyfriend I had an orgasm without touching myself”.

?! A little impressive. A little hard to look at her with a straight face, after she got back.

* * *
I remember standing at the window overlooking the campus at night. The very tall, muscular lesbian opened her door. I turned around and she screamed at a loud, high pitch before grabbing her heart.

“I did NOT know you were there.”
“Yeah. People don’t normally stand in the dark like this.”
* * *

Sitting in the cafeteria, the view of food on my plate is obstructed by a red rose.

“Will you join our sorority?”

* * *
“I can’t find my other shoe and church starts in like 10 minutes!”
“Hey – don’t worry. I’ll help ya.”

I threw one of every pair you own in the dumpster behind our building. But let me look under the couch just in case I missed that one..

* * *
On the back of the bathroom door was a chore list, with the days of the week written up. Noticing it for the first time, I’m talking into a cordless phone and say, “Hahaha, I see here that the college scholars have spelled Wednesday w-e-n-s-d-a-y.” Later that day, I notice that it says: w-e-(BIG ARROW INSERTION) “D”-n-“E”-s-d-a-y THERE IS THAT BETTER, BITCH?”

RA: I bet it was those boys downstairs!
Autumn: What, now?
RA: Someone changed F-House to say F-Hoes.
Autumn: How immature.

“That’s funny. I misplaced the second cd to my Julie Andrews boxset.”
Hmmm. Did you try looking on the ground outside where all those sharp, sparkly pieces are?
“You’ll just have to play the first disc twice!”
“tee hee! Okay!”
Folks in a town that was quite remote heard
Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo
Lusty and clear from the goatherd’s throat heard
Lay ee odl lay ee odl-oooo

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6 responses to “A Freewrite I Saved To Preview But Found Too Horrible…

  1. “Can’t find decent playmates. May post ad in classifides. Two seat swingset in my dad’s backyard needs additional ass. Must not swing sideways or do the twisty-thing, cause that scares me when I’m trying to swing and I don’t want to have to worry about some bitch slamming into me.”

    Yo. Road trip.

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