I’ve been sitting here for the past half hour or so, tracing my face with the end of a pencil. This isn’t my home, my chair, or my size font, and I feel like I’m sitting in front of an Ouija board, wishing I didn’t have to do all the work. You’d think my clothes would spark with the static cling of cable, and that I would be ON, but it’s as though I’m numb to the speed. Or maybe that’s just my ass, constantly having to readjust in the hopeless search for comfort on a motorized cart my grandmother parked here as a chair.

She had some kind of surgery done, as all old people are getting. I forget if anyone told me what exactly fell off or wasn’t working well, but she came home today and I was graciously volunteered to get dropped off for the night. Her house has boxes piled from the floor to the ceiling, some kind of gigantic attic cleanout that only got worse with time. Time also killed off grandpa, so I’m balancing the weight of a crater while crammed in a dark corner. This monitor is blasting white light on the walls in a bad way, reminding me of a thousand lonely people mistaking the same color for glow in an IM buddy’s eyes. My screens don’t do this; this is some kind of sad vacuum.

Elvis just serenaded me through a urine deposit. Grandma plays the radio in the bathroom, all hours of the day. I can hear Jeopardy in her bedroom, and some kind of show in the living room with people singing that stuff like “Gonna Wash That Man Right Outta My Hair”. I bet she has a thing about filling the place with noise, specifically, voice. It gives the rooms a sense of pulse. God, I hope hers doesn’t stop on my watch.

My own thoughts fail to entertain me. I can’t seem to get crazy for anything, tonight. There’s a bottle of Codine resting on the back of the toilet. That’s all I’m saying.


28 responses to “Anti-Fanatika

  1. I know this glow… like there isn’t enough around to absorb the glow of the monitor so it reflects off the walls and seems wrong. Codine… that should help your glow… maybe gramma left it there for you. :)

  2. “Gonna Wash That Man Right Outta My Hair” is from South Pacific, a musical that has gotten me through many a bad relationship. I used to watch the old musicals with my grandmother and I’ve actually bought quite a few of them recently. They’re a good rainy day perk-up.

  3. My grandma was the same way. She always had to have the tv on, loudly. Everybody said that it was normal for an elderly woman, living alone, to try and create the illusion of company. That was until she started treating Matlock like an actual man in her life.

    I’m having meatloaf with Matlock tonight.

    Matlock just won another case. I’m so very proud of him.

    Grandma! What happened to your face?
    Oh, dear. Matlock gets very angry when he’s drunk.

    Deep down, I sometimes wonder if Matlock killed my nana.

  4. The best of intentions…

    I went to your Amazon wishlist to send you the Billy Joel CD and the JK Book of Dreams. Have you received an e-mail from Amazon? I received a confirmation with my shipping address, not yours. I think I screwed up.

    • Wow.

      Haha! No, I didn’t get a notice from Amazon. If it shows up at your place, you should listen to it and make a copy. And if you really like it, just send me the copy. :)

      Damn, I have to tell people what I want more often. I’ll be a virtual socialite in no time flat.:) Seriously though, that’s pretty sweet of you.

  5. It sounds like a real thrilling night, you might want to check this out- these are paintings, not photos. I think they’re pretty impressive :o

    Mmm… pharmaceuticals, they can be useful on dull nights.

  6. new friend

    Hi, My name’s David.
    I found your journal reading a friend’s friend’s “friends” page. Then I read some of YOUr entries, and liked them a lot. Your writing has some of the hard-to-define traits I enjoy reading (and writing) about. No offense, but I get the feeling of slight offhand sadness in the posts I read; which you vent in remarks that are almost agressive. I mean no offense, because thats how I believe I write also; so I like reading your journal. I hope you dont mind me adding you to my friends, and maybe if you like mine you can add me back. Your drawings are good also. -David

      • NO! Every feminist is not a lesbian, sheesh. I just enjoy being concious of gender issues in my life. For example; when I see men being derogitory to a woman, I’ll point it out to the men and tell them thier behavior makes them look like a jackass. Just like you would recognize and stand up for a person being hassled about thier race or handicap or something. Thats what I mean, by feminism as an interest. Conciousness.
        Thanks for saying my journal is fun; that s actually one of my high unspoken priorities — on here and in real life. :)

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