The Three B’s

The first part of the holiday season was riddled with challenging appearances. The idea of listing these encounters makes me uneasy, as I don’t wish to point out the Ghosts of Christmas Resolution. There are feelings of triumph and best wishes, but I’ve still walked away with uncomfortable feelings about nearly every bitch I’ve ever tried to forget. For the record, however, I must admit that the run-ins were worth their conclusions. I feel Beyond.

I’m in the middle of Busy but wanted to sneak in some kind of unloading entry. Earlier, a girl walked out of the drug store and flipped one of those sewn-onto-the-sweater scarves around her neck and I thought, “I’m seeing like I write.” A desire to think and scribble has been here but things are still too occupied to make use of the attention I’ve been paying. It’s nothing surprising, considering the time of year. Like anyone else, there were all these things to do, all this stress from crossing things off, etc.

Maybe I’m one of those people who aren’t happy unless they have a darker perspective. My December has taken off from such a dull standstill that all of this perfection is making my head spin, and I’d really like it to stop before I puke sugarplums.

Spirits! I’ve had enough! Return my grip on reality and I promise I will make Better use of it, this time around.



Some people make gaudy Christmas sweaters. Mom made ponchos. Yes, ponchos. Why? I don’t know! But I feel like Clint Eastwood, now. I feel lucky.

Your blogs are depressing, this month. Some of you guys aren’t holding up so well.

My aqua frog died last night, but it was ok. I mean, nothing from Meijer (Michigan’s Wal*Mart alternative) is expected to last very long, and she had grown quite large and old. In fact, I’d actually wanted 2 frogs but since she’d gotten so large, I was afraid she’d seem overbearing. Now I can get two, and they can keep each other company.

Lacy is much better. She makes rounds to see us, is taking her medicine and eating soft dog food, handles stairs and jumps on and off the couch. Her eyes stopped racing back and forth, so I seriously think she had that temporary illness that no one has ever fully understood. Weird! She’s still generally fragile, but she seems happy. I smash her pills and sprinkle them on peanut butter for her. Today I saw she was right behind my chair, so rather than have her move, I went to jump out side-style and slammed my leg against the entertainment center.

Recently had the flu. Woke up with an upset stomach, had that weird sensation where you get chills and saliva collects in your mouth, then BLAERRRGHHH, splurge — *plastic sack wastebasket crinkle/slosh*. Wave of relief, a half hour’s sleep, and repeat. It was bright yellow, and I kept drinking water in order to avoid dry heaves. So miserable. That’s what I get for letting those filthy people in from The Outside!!!


I keep having dreams about the end of civilization. Earlier this month it was some drawn-out ordeal involving robotics and hiding from aircrafts. Last night there was some kind of volcanic ash that came from the debris of falling buildings; if you hadn’t gotten crushed, the air was probably going to choke you to death. I was in my room when things were falling down, and a lot of boy friends had collaborated to play music. I remember their hair. Boy noses, boy faces, in the corners, on the bed, on the floor. A strange foam was filling the place, and they were surrendering, nodding and closing their eyes as though going underwater. I yelled, “Get out of here!” but it was like they were too hell-bent on the death of the moment. The one-of-a-time end.

Reflections and Modifications

1. What did you do in 2004 that you’d never done before?

First time things that come to mind:

I met someone in person from Live Journal.
I opened a savings account.
I learned the joy of Aeropostale hoodies and low-carb Monster energy drinks.
I got into some science fiction and it put metallic elements into my dreams.
I passed out Halloween candy.
Saw several entire anime titles beyond Sailor Moon.
I flew (in a jet).
Enrolled in kickboxing.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn’t make any, for this year; my plan was to Not Die. I think I’m in better spirits this time around, and have started on my new year’s resolutions early. Hopefully they’ll stick!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

4. Did anyone close to you die?
My father’s dad passed away.

5. What countries did you visit?
I’m not really ready to travel and I don’t know where I’d necessarily care to go.

6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
I was disappointed to miss Bruce Springsteen and Green Day, this year. I intend to correct that asap. I miss the magic of seeing my heroes.

7. What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Probably the 4th of July, because the fireworks at the park were fantastic, and the retarded girl dancing to the local band was awesome. I’ll also remember the twins’ birthday on the last day in November, because I had a blast “babysitting” before taking off and driving the farthest I’ve ever driven by myself. I’ll remember the water park, where I went down a water slide for the first time since a childhood accident. I’ll remember daring a friend to eat my frog’s bloodworms with me. There are a lot of things that I doubt I could forget.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Waking up from a lot of false truths. Without anyone else’s influence, I’ve made up my own mind about a lot of things, and it’s great to believe in where I stand on religion, politics, and humanity in general. I also feel more comfortable in my own skin (by sticking with a healthier lifestyle) than I ever have, and it has made life a lot richer.

9. What was your biggest failure?
I neglected to keep in touch with a lot of people who care about me. I also recently had a friend completely disconnect himself from me because I handled our relationship poorly. Even though some knew of my journal, called frequently to catch me over the phone, or came up and banged on the front door, I didn’t do my part with very many friendships. In addition, I put off going back to school and that left me disappointed with myself.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I had extreme emotional highs and lows, battled depression and occasionally swallowed toxic chemicals in self-punishment for nothing in particular. I abused laxatives the first half of the year. In mid December, I caught the flu.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
A new backpack burner!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
That would take forever. I’m proud of just about everyone I know. Everyone seems to be doing well in school or moving up in some way.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
There really wasn’t anyone in my life this year who disgusted me, which was a nice change.

14. Where did most of your money go?
To an Ebay alternative,, where a lot of girlie things are sold and traded. Most of my money went into those transactions. A lot (too much) went to dining out and movie tickets, which I’ve decided is ridiculous and needs to become much less frequent. Although my dad paid for it, I used up a lot of gas in the vehicles, too.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
There wasn’t a whole lot that I technically anticipated or just wouldn’t wait to do/see/hear. As corny as it sounds, I got pretty happy when I heard Green Day was releasing another album, and when my favorite 80’s cartoon (Jem) went to DVD. Any time Britney Spears has a concert special or something, I dance around a little bit, beforehand. I concentrated a lot more on appreciating whatever was going on at the moment, than what was up ahead. Whenever I was out or with good company, I was pretty excited.

16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
I don’t sort memories into years – my memories are difficult to date. Some things might have a song attached to them loosely, but it won’t have any connection to the year, in my mind. Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire” performance in 2000 is about the only year-stamped memory I have, because it was 2000 and my favorite musician was singing his song about the decades.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Much happier.
ii. thinner or fatter? 10 pounds heavier from the lowest I got. DAMN CHINESE FOOD AND STUFFED CRUST PIZZA!
iii. richer or poorer? I have less money, but now I have all these kick ass toys and I feel rich!

18. What do you wish you’d done more?
Refused dinner proposals that weren’t for Subway. That’s about it!

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
I wish I hadn’t gotten so downhearted, so many times. I’ve been on a great streak for a while now, but if I dive again it’s going to fucking suck. That shit was terrible.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
My family will open gifts in front of the tree and then we’ll have dinner and presents with my mom’s side of the family, at least. I also intend to visit Crossroads Village while the lights are up, and do a lot of winter-related things this season.

21. Did you fall in love in 2004?

22. How many one-night stands?
Never any.

23. What was your favorite TV program?
Sopranos, Invader Zim, Queer As Folk, Family Guy, Sex and the City, all rented in previous seasons once my video store carried them. The only TV I actually turn on is music television and world news.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

25. What was the best book you read?
Vurt, by Jeff Noon

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Oh my god, I found too many great things to mention. Some of the most fun are the newer musicals, Wicked, Avenue Q, Urine Town, etc. I learned a lot about electro, Japanese rock and pop, and really love Dolly Parton’s Little Sparrow album.

27. What did you want and got?
A little of everything…sometimes, a lot. More than I had planned.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
Garden State or Hero or Closer or Kill Bill 2 or Eternal Sunshine or Shaun of the Dead or Butterfly Effect or Man On Fire. Guilty of Liking, also: Uptown Girls.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I don’t remember, but I’m sure I got some cool stuff.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
The Mongolian herb and amazing upper, Ephedra.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
I went with comfort. Athletic pants, tee shirts, sweatshirts. When I had to dress nice, I went with long skirt and nice shirts. Don’t do hair. Got into black eyeliner. Fell in love with bracelets and collected many, made some of my own.

32. What kept you sane?
Media, food, all the things I live for. I let family and friends talk some sense into me, but not too much.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Britney, who is also the most entertaining and is ALWAYS doing something interesting.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
The war in Iraq. I don’t think we should be in other countries, dying.

35. Who did you miss?
I missed Jenni Lynn who actually found me at LJ, later on! And I miss my friend Mandi and her siblings. I miss my boyfriends in Flint, but I stopped driving out there and they never came out to the country.

36. Who was the best new person you met?
Jason is new – he’s one of the best. And although he has always been around, I’ve gotten to know Brad a lot better. There are several computy people whose personalities seemed to really take off and stick with me in an elite group sort of way. My new dentist is pretty hot.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004:
Don’t believe anything until it makes logical sense. Don’t mix lime pie with pink champaign. Read the fine print on all Ebay auctions.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

tell me who is your boogieman
that’s who I will be
you don’t have to like me for who I am
but we’ll see what you’re made of
by what you make of me

I got friends all over this country
I got friends in other countries too
I got friends I haven’t met yet
I got friends I never knew

-Willing To Fight, Ani Difranco

I haven’t felt like confessing, but here’s a wishbone.

Some people may remember that I’ve been banned from Subway. One of Christopher’s friends has asked me, “Why is there a card with ‘Autumn May’ taped to the counter?” Apparently, my stamps are serving as a wanted poster of sorts. Nice.

The twins turned 17 yesterday! I gave them a cheap card with leftover bills and used the opportunity as an excuse to take the Venture out. Nick The Dominant Twin was babysitting, so I drove over to the kiddie farm and had a blast, there. Two little girls fidgeted restlessly on my lap while their brother showed me his Titanic model.

“Titanic is something that will never happen again, nor will I ever try to repeat it,” says the framed Leonardo interview on my wall. Using my knowledge from the sappy movie, I demonstrated how the ship likely went under. “And believe me. That fucker went d-o-w-n,” thought the girl who personified the Atlantic Ocean in her universe.

Not thinking, I asked one of the girls how her friends from West Virginia were doing, only to have Nick give me the “nixay” crossed arms that meant “their parents no longer get along”. That is bound to be confusing for kids, when their friends are suddenly gone. That sucks. I spent an entire afternoon hurling their bodies through the air, into the pool. The red head had grabbed a towel to join me and Nick sidelines, sitting pretty with the older kids. They were nice.

It didn’t take long for Nick to be reminded why I am not a steady partner on watch; as soon as I walked in, he was casually swearing with remorse. Not only do I encourage adult remarks, but I also turn around and squeal along with the 4 year old’s mentality (not to mention making Nick out to be bad guy/only disciplining adult). He’s ready to shoot me after an hour of that kind of stress.

Boy: Nick is super. Autumn is AWESOME!!!
Nick: Go to your room.

I love the way he’ll nail a joke with the perfect approach – just bash the hell out of some lame antic – and make me extend my hand for a slow high-five. His humor is so accurate and true that I’m too full of admiration to even laugh, sometimes.

Brandon made a special trip to show me his artwork, recently. He used to hang with Chris and doodle something stupid on a paper plate or notebook paper, and I’d snatch it up before it could get tossed. While he was being treated like a pothead, I’d take the time to ask him about some of the things he was sketching, and I think it left an impression when he realized I’d tacked his drawings up. He has gone on to flourish in the art department – some beautiful graffiti styles and original cartoons. I offered to pay him for a print of something I really like, and he says I just need to burn him my Rage Against the Machine collection. I’m excited.

Realizing that it was a Now Or Never kinda deal, I set off from Babysitting to the fattest city in the country. All by myself, in secret secrets with a full tank of gas. Dear Live Journal. If the point of this published project is to be up-to-date and reflective, then I have not been truly honest with…anyone.