Progress

Black Friday went very well!. My company hit goal and everyone stayed safe. 12 hours on my feet, checking receipts, peering at security cameras and directing customers took a toll on me. When I finally checked myself in the mirror my eyes were red.

This job is really cool. We had the 5 Hour Energy girls come through and give us all their little bottles followed by the very lovely Red Bull ladies who carried in the big, tall tans just for us associates! I love being surrounded by the merchandise and even more so I love that each member of the staff is on the level (you have to be relatively intelligent to fix computers and sell technology). I can actually talk to people. It's like everyone speaks the same, connected language. I've never worked in such an amazing place, before.

Also, I got my name badge today. It revealed my advancement to the keepsake level and they're investing in me long-term. When I listen in on the gossip, they're buzzed on the fact that I picked up on tasks so quickly and everyone seems to like what they see. I'm glad, because I really like them, too.

Josh and Brad are getting along well. It's good to see Josh again, and a little funny, too, because he's something of a daredevil placed into a domestic environment. Our little dog, Gigi, keeps getting closer and closer to him, trying hard to kiss his face. We're offering our love and trying not to be too lame for him – at least, I am. He's pretty bad-ass compared to me and I've been keeping the Britney Spears music to my earphones because I'm worried that if Josh heard that shit he might puke and start slashing at his arms to distract himself.

I feel like I'm definitely getting through this holiday season. I'm doing my best, putting in a few good punches. I am not afraid to take a metal chair upside Frosty the Snowman's big head. I'm not backing down. I will win against this time of year.

Shelter

There is evidence that people who grew up with things around them that caused excessive concern, alert or fear have a mental sensitivity about them. It’s an abnormal worry about the effect of decisions – an excessive processing of the different rewards or consequences that come from every action.

I feel it, sometimes, as if life is a crucial performance being tested or challenged. Uncertainty can bring anxiety, a non-stop nagging about not knowing something, having to find it out, having to get the right answer, and everything having to be fixed. In extreme cases “concern” turns into “dread” and if I’m not careful that sort of negative thinking can take a toll on my body and wear me out from the inside.

I’ve never actually beaten that behavior; I just play to stay on the right side of it. I refuse to lose to myself. I might overstress about where the land mines are but I define them, locate them and avoid the sort of threats that I know will bring ruin. Ruin is a place you cannot return from. It’s a place where uneasiness is the only ever after.

Beware of getting it dead wrong.

Lately I’ve been waking up with the frame of mind that I’ve too recently escaped a horrible fate. I might not be in hell but hell is not far enough away for my peace of mind. It does not encourage me to hang stockings or drape crystals and reindeer along the mantel. I told Brad, let’s just leave all of those things in the attic, this time. The storms have gone but I haven’t caught up with the physical act of having survived. I’m tense. Too many ways did I almost lose this life and the people in it. My mind is still in the shelter.

Of all the good and bad things a tornado can blow around it cannot remove responsibility from anyone’s shoulders. Although I’ve jumped into a new job, settled debts and accepted the love and support from everyone who offered it, I’m still on the basement floor with my eyes closed tight.

What can I do, to make everything better, to find that comfort and relax? The thoughts may be hesitant but they will knock around and connect with the air outside. It’s the sort of reward that only comes in my own time. Night or day, sun or snow, I know that it’s going to be beautiful;

It’s going to be okay,

And it probably already is.

A girl had suffered so much hurt when love refused to stay
That when it crawled back I would let it take old pain away

But like all homicidal men imposing dreamers dead
He always left the same distorted tune inside her head

I strung broken mirror shards within a chandelier
To be the fractured light that I would see by year to year

What strangeness this put in my step, what things they’d ask to know
It put a distance in my eyes that no loved one could go

Flooded in my nightmare, swallowed by the rising tide
Some one jumped in and challenged me to reach the other side

And now when I look back on all the mirrored pieces strewn
They’re just twinkling stars that lead my sister from the moon

Signs

I walked out of the post office this afternoon and saw it immediately, mixed in with the rain drops. Isolated still, the sky around the grey was bright blue with fluffy clouds. It was all about to be swallowed.

I forwarded one word to everyone.

Making my way to the car, I considered how it had never left.

It's just like the kind in my mind. The way I react to it is the same.

Almost like the cold air is angry with prices that will be paid.

Snow.

*really*

*shut up!*

*nice*

*not that BS*

etc. They begin answering back.

It's swallowing up the sky. The old colors are draining away.

Autumn warned them.