I saw an angel come down unto me
In her hand she holds the very key
Words of compassion,
Words of peace
And in the distance, an army’s marching feet
But behold: we will watch them fall.
A year-in-review is practically a duty. Many recollections begin with the conclusion. ‘This year was bittersweet’, or, ‘this was one of the best years, yet’. For those who have trouble finding the form there is an outline that floats around from blog to blog: Did anyone close to you die this year? What did you do, for the first time in 2000-whatever?
For me, personally, 2011 sorta stood out there, among the clump of years it resides beside. And yes, I’m playing that down. The difference with this one, warranting it a particular bookmark, is that it took me off the course I was on and put me on another one. It wasn’t so much that the determining factors were new because I dealt with the same elements that have been in my life forever… but this time, they appeared in such a way that demanded I deal with them.
Duties in the new year insist you don’t look back and allow you, even with only a matter of hours left, to address those things you are leaving behind before following through. Speak now or forever… there is that word, again. To prepare for the concept of compartmentalized time (past that does not equal future) I archived my entries from the point where I left off, seven years ago.
Seeing my life laid out before me in simple, accessible pieces, the patterns and contents became very clear to me.
Seven is not a curse. It is a number, it is everywhere, and it is precisely what you make of it. Never again will I feed the appearance of a number with the association of damnation. I am going to change that habit and I will see that it becomes what it was always meant to be – a reward for having survived it.
Something happened to me when I was a teenager that left me confused and confined. There was a pain and a promise that I carried with me into my adult life and it found ways to influence the choices I made. I can see it woven into the days I was living, intertwined with the people who love and care about me – that is incredible but very scary. No amount of passion or intelligent thought (conflicting as those two become) can fix an issue you have buried… but that is what I tried to do with a few mounds of dirt.
Trying, even without trying, to silently convey something over and over again in the story that is your life. What are the lyrics? How many sharps or flats does it have? This has become my passion. I go looking for it, in other people’s eyes, so that I can take their hand and sing it back.
Have you ever loved someone and watched that person die? Do you ever see her, do you ever see him, in your dreams? Does the corpse ever rise from the earth, dancing before your eyes? Suppose you were so lucky, and you were standing in that graveyard in front of the impossible. You tell me; what have I done?
What would you do?
Then there was the court date. A terrible job experience. I bailed my brother out of jail. I got more literal for the first time ever about the details of my manic relationship with a man (who I had only known online) because I could not go back to the way things were when all of the cryptic words belonged to him.
That man had a name, a secret life, and he had me. He knew this. He knew what it all meant. And he did things with all three that we will disagree about across boundaries. His decisions became his life, without me. My decision was to willingly be in the same dark realm and stay emotionally brave about it. Just letting it go with the usual anger and frustration before shrugging it off as The Big Unknown was always my worst move; I needed to face what was really happening in our separate lives. My belief system depended on it.
I am so sorry for any of the facts that I got wrong, even more sorry for those that I got right, and I can only hope that you try to understand how that was someone who was taken to heart many years ago, where I keep people forever.
To everyone involved, to the people who find these old words, to us, I dedicate a very special new year.
We will see a plague and river of blood
And every evil soul will surely die in spite of
Their 7 tears, but do not fear
For in the distance, twelve souls from now,
You and me will still be here –
We will still be here.