Hands Still Clasped

First-hand experience has taught me that when people stop coming around but insist they haven’t gone anywhere, there’s more to it than that. They’re gone because something is changing. Things are different. And either you level with the other person before it’s too late or barrel forward until you can never come back.

Dear Diary, something has changed. Things are different.

And I took the time today, to let someone important know what I was dealing with. It wasn’t easy, getting the chance to explain, and once I had the opportunity I almost didn’t take it because the game of catch-up sounded like another chore on my list. Thankfully I can recognize my own patterns, how shutting people out is only chemicals swirling, and I didn’t let negative vibes influence my determination.

I took a breath, thought about what I had to say and shared a relevant part of my life with someone who matters a lot. It didn’t take long to find the words and once I had them I returned to an exciting place where people connect and dreams are realized. It was a spark I had been going without, that I’d temporarily sacrificed so I could be better at more trying challenges.

She knew, I believe, that I wasn’t going to be gone long. I like to think that she knows how much self-worth I put into the code of sisterhood. She’s a smart girl; she knew that something was up and hoped that I would bring back enough good dish for the both of us.

I did, indeed.

Only I am not entirely sure how I can share it without getting into trouble for my troubles. It’s not good to live in secrets and silence. My sister cautioned me about this, and she said, “Make up the names. Use animals if you have to.”

I laughed. She has The Bull, a raging mafia fuck who stampedes through her life, messing it up at the brink of perfection.

A long time ago, when I was still building my beliefs, someone quoted me a song. Its declaration was sworn by death to be the very message they brought. That was when every column stood up and towers stayed tall. Before the ivy found its way into the stone, before my life was a story to tell.

Back when being queen came naturally. Because, you know, there was nothing at stake.

I’ve never heard the song myself because I don’t care for easy listening. And I can’t say that the messenger lived up to the words. I remember them, though. I decided that it was how I would treat people. How I would set my course.

My dearest moon sister,

Everything is fucking crazy right now. I don’t know what the big picture is going to look like in another few months. But you can be sure…

You are there

And my life changes with you


2 responses to “Hands Still Clasped

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