Called Out

Every other month or so we have a meeting in the morning for any company changes and campaigns. This time we watched a few videos about the holidays before the general manager moved on to his recognition piece. His power point slide said “PLATINUM” and he spoke a little bit about how someone had achieved the top status for their efforts and blah blah blah.

He clicked his remote and the screen showed a “…”

“Can anyone guess? No?” Then he flipped to the next slide and it was a huge picture of this on a 60” TV:

Everyone started cracking up and yelling, “AUTUMN!”

THAT was unexpected.

After the meeting a new hire went up to me and said, “I hadn’t been here no more than an hour and I knew exactly who that was supposed to be!”

I’m still getting the occasional comment that I pretend to understand.

“I didn’t know you were famous.”

?!-oh,the slide thing.

“You should have,” I answered, in my faux-serious way.

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The Lessons We Learn As We Grow

Besides the weird, uncomfortable way that the past will always be mine, I’m perfectly fine. A voice inside yells at me, sometimes, to put it into words…but I refrain. Who would the audience be? Participants? Strangers? Friends and self-proclaimed foes?

I was devoted to making something better. So devoted that I made it worse. And all it took was the truth.

Why couldn’t we have had one decent conversation? One honest, logical conversation about what was happening and what we could do to make things right?

What I really wish, was that I could erase the shame and disappointment.

If I had to name one moment – from any of it – where my reaction was pride… pride? How about pride.

There was none.

Ever.

If only I had been more personally developed back then. How could I have lived so long without using that as a determining factor for every decision I made?

I wish I could have looked at one good thing, where there was no hidden agenda behind it, and have been able to say that I was proud of that person. Instead every chapter was another selfish action and its dark, well-told consequence.  

Another kid older than a marriage. And their legacy lives on.

The biggest secret I knew, I began to reflect. My own legend was interrupted and there was nothing prideful in giving one heartfelt word.

It will always have been a bad idea.

It will always have hurt me the way it did for as many times as I let him write to me throughout my life.

It will always involve manipulation.

The answer is in the severed tie,

Something that will never feel good or simple or without loss,

But an end all the same.

One chilly night I got to thinking like I always do, and I looked out into the blackness. I thought of an old Britney Spears interview where she said that she believed in "putting it out there, into the universe", what you want to happen so that the energy can be received and delivered. My message in a single, parting thought?

"I DARE you, to make me proud some day."

A Million Years

It was a bit unnerving, but I watched a man who I've gone back and forth in sarcastic rants with, splash his face with sheer dumbfoundedness.

Work distributed a "who has inspired you/what is something that shaped who you are/what has been a huge disappointment/etc" papers and prided itself on the conclusion: what is something that surfaced, that you had forgotten?

I just smiled, because not everyone has one of these things. Not everyone keeps their soul entirely too close.

Kind of a sad observation, though – not a whole lot of people who I admire. Yeah yeah, that sounds kind of pompous at first but what I mean is, I know admirable people are out there. I just need to network a little harder.

"Why did you join this class?" the head boss asked me. Everyone else had said, "To get ahead. To be promoted." I looked at my colleagues and answered, "To be more like these guys" and went into detail about how much I have to learn from everyone and how getting involved will connect me to another world.

He gave me that face. Like corporate hadn't supplied an answer for that and even more – he personally was surprised. As in, sat down, face went emotionless, room went silent.

"I would never have thought that. In a million years."

Love Does This

Sacred and selfish are those moments with me, when my universe is revolving around you. Every troubled, captivating personality is like that. They catch you with their light, and draw you in. Unpredictable moments are uneven but always yours.

Always ours.

Oh, before the sun sets. Before the many moons. On a good stretch it can take years.

If only she could always be, then everyone would be much happier.

How troubled they look.

How their little world crumbles in to so many pieces.

One day they happen to lean too far in, and utterly stunned, they realize:

You are not alone in there.”

I’m not alone.

The sands of time must reside somewhere.

 

*Edit: the things mentioned above, what I was holding on to and how, was slowly driving a wedge between me and my boyfriend. Looking back on this, it makes me sad.