Chasing the High

For weeks now I’ve been neglecting to write about any sort of honest snapshot of my mind – and in that threat of compromise, I haven’t been writing at all. There are times when I scare myself a little, as the overlaying blue print’s lines wriggle and shift side to side; what exactly am I going to cause to happen? These single decisions, from wherever they have always been before, any one of them could change everything that happens.

Living life as a feed, you consider history to be a series of updates – and once you’ve been away from that and realize just how insignificant it is, you’re gone. Part of you feels released, part of you is the void that stays and then that spectrum of color shoots in, like hot nerves and you can’t help but be immediately drawn to it.

It’s just so powerful that I have become unsure of my words. Unsure of what the last half of the sentences will read. Like if I walked out into my front yard, bent down and grabbed the blades of grass between my fingers and pulled UP, the earth’s surface would ripple like a table cloth.

Burning up, bleeding out – my heart has been overfilling and I have been investing a piece of myself in all of it, much to the warnings of others.

“You need to stop letting them have Autumn.”

But it’s all so beautiful, even the parts that I don’t necessarily believe will turn out – especially the things where I know there is no light – because I focus on the thrill and it is the greatest feeling –

The journeys that I am not a part of, the one I know in which I cannot sleep, and there is a poor-to-no signal between the two,

The new wave passing  through tweets passive heartbreak to all-in-no-1 in particular. Amused, I smile sweetly at them. How cute.

I do that so hard it loses its @nonymity.

Hit me. Break shit. Keep on making fun of me until you say something nice and I win.

That’s the electric color flirting back. I want it. I want to pull it all into the void.

But today I saw it here, contained in short, simple words for the first time. I saw what was happening with my energy, my heart and the way that I seemed to be giving it all away – my freedom a devastating feat without a reason –

the purpose was to be bound

I can see it now:

Self-Destruction.

Not Another Slutty Angel

On devil’s night we dressed as ghouls and souls of the departed

And once the joker look-a-likes all had their fires started

It seemed like darkness could prevail and evil would bring pain

The thunder cracked, the clouds came in

And doused the flames with rain

Image

We had a very wet Halloween that resulted in fewer trick-or-treaters. Several days later I find myself reaching for the bowl of leftover candy which cannot be good for me! The biggest highlight was probably when I showed up for a party dressed as the devil and saw everyone’s jaw drop at the nerve I had to literally reflect their quiet thoughts.

Work has gotten considerably better. I previously wrote a little bit about having to deal with specific people who decidedly weren’t supporters. After a little confrontation, a little smart play and a little time I have managed to turn a lot of that around. Heck, I got another raise, too, once I explained how much more I was doing since my last bump. As long as I can mingle comfortably, be compensated and get my job done then I can’t complain (as much).

There are some opportunities, however. I’m struggling with drastic coverage gaps and silly mistakes behind the counter that result in loss. It’s a balance between my own line of defense/strengthening that and identifying systematic accidents, understanding them and getting accountability. Anti-theft protection and product control can so easily be overlooked – and of course, so can those who look to take advantage. 

My question for all of it is the same:  How can I catch it happening?

The frustration of the aftermath: the theories, the reactionary initiatives. Even if it is allowed to happen.  If I cannot change any one policy or person. If I can just catch it before it’s too late.

I’ll take really good care of it.