Chasing the High

For weeks now I’ve been neglecting to write about any sort of honest snapshot of my mind – and in that threat of compromise, I haven’t been writing at all. There are times when I scare myself a little, as the overlaying blue print’s lines wriggle and shift side to side; what exactly am I going to cause to happen? These single decisions, from wherever they have always been before, any one of them could change everything that happens.

Living life as a feed, you consider history to be a series of updates – and once you’ve been away from that and realize just how insignificant it is, you’re gone. Part of you feels released, part of you is the void that stays and then that spectrum of color shoots in, like hot nerves and you can’t help but be immediately drawn to it.

It’s just so powerful that I have become unsure of my words. Unsure of what the last half of the sentences will read. Like if I walked out into my front yard, bent down and grabbed the blades of grass between my fingers and pulled UP, the earth’s surface would ripple like a table cloth.

Burning up, bleeding out – my heart has been overfilling and I have been investing a piece of myself in all of it, much to the warnings of others.

“You need to stop letting them have Autumn.”

But it’s all so beautiful, even the parts that I don’t necessarily believe will turn out – especially the things where I know there is no light – because I focus on the thrill and it is the greatest feeling –

The journeys that I am not a part of, the one I know in which I cannot sleep, and there is a poor-to-no signal between the two,

The new wave passing  through tweets passive heartbreak to all-in-no-1 in particular. Amused, I smile sweetly at them. How cute.

I do that so hard it loses its @nonymity.

Hit me. Break shit. Keep on making fun of me until you say something nice and I win.

That’s the electric color flirting back. I want it. I want to pull it all into the void.

But today I saw it here, contained in short, simple words for the first time. I saw what was happening with my energy, my heart and the way that I seemed to be giving it all away – my freedom a devastating feat without a reason –

the purpose was to be bound

I can see it now:

Self-Destruction.

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4 responses to “Chasing the High

  1. That’s the feeling I’ve had. I worked hard… did right… then got fucked. While I’m getting back to it I’m still not who I was. I used to know I could do anything and now I just know I know how to do anything.

    So… what are you missing? Creative? I’ve been wanting to sit down in a studio with that dead’nd sound… instrument laying around and just play… I think I want my choices back. :D

    • I still remember when I thought that your energy in my life, disappeared – stopped living. Like a character that would never be developed beyond that point. And how weird it was to see you from time to time, like a questionable ghost. What would time do to Rick?

  2. Life, in general, has a way of beating us all down in our own unique ways. Sometimes we feel as if nothing we do is correct. As a wise person once told me life is not a matter of how many times we get knocked down, it is really about how many times we try to get back up. Like everyone always tells us when we feel down… hang in there it will be over soon. The only question I can raise to this is how soon is soon???
    Just know that your writings have inspired me to start a blog of my own, and I look forward to reading everything you have to write.

    • I got the most flattering feeling to read this comment. It felt like being validated outside of what my writing does for me. When I stumbled onto your blog I liked how you constructed your sentences – I could see real person there. And I think it’s totally cool that we connect. :)

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