Part Heavy, Part Hopeful

I hope everyone is having a great 2017 so far. For me, the year started off as an extension of the same old stuff until around the end of the month when I decided that the time was right for my resolutions. It’s doesn’t have to be New Year’s to start again. It can be any month, any day, any time. The important thing is believing in yourself and getting on that track to greatness.

Maybe I’ve been on that track a million times and fallen off. Who cares. Screw that. I’m on it now. I live it now. I’m fighting now.

Looking back on previous posts that detail some of my darkest moments (when I’m most inclined to take the time to free write), I don’t see the rockiness as a bad omen. I see my struggles as the storms I needed to get through in order to grow bigger and better. There are a handful of tales written in sadness and anger  – but never defeat.

I’ve been thinking about the first boyfriend I ever had, and my near-ten years with him. Some of the memories are good and some are lessons. There were a lot of mistakes and missed opportunities but in the end, it still came down to having separate deal breakers for being together as a couple. He was an absolute sweetheart with endless potential and from a distance I am always wishing nothing but the best for him. For real. God bless Brad.

My family has been going through some tough times. Christopher has had to face the consequences of his actions and is currently serving a short jail sentence. My thoughts are with him even if I am horrible at ever finding the right words, or the right way to help him. After having spoken with his representation I was told that they had a bigger picture and better understanding of his reality. I am hoping he accepts the help that is given to him, and that he tackles drug rehab full on. It hurts me to know that he is miserable right now, and yet I am happy to know that he is not on the streets, in the cold, living from fix to fix. There is more to him than The Darkness, always was, and I believe in a better future for him.

Dad’s pulmonary disease is what it is, and he has been as functional as he can in this stage of his life. Mom is facing retirement at the end of the school year and I am hoping, praying beyond prayer, that there are good things in store for her after the many years she did everything she could for the school system. But there is fear. I don’t like the uncomfortable or the uncertain. I just want for us to have more good times together and I often miss them, living several hours away.

I’ve been waiting for the tulips. Last year I bought and planted the bulbs as a means of development. I wanted more beauty per square foot as if it could equate to happiness per moment. Never have I invested in the idea of a short Spring bloom, but Daniel is fond of tulips so I wanted to make it happen. Now I find that I am waiting for those purple miracles, like an omen or a promise. Please, please, be wonderful.

After tracking my own behavior for years, I really believe that I suffer from premenstrual dysphoric disorder. It seems to be a calendar cycle, during a certain time when I feel out-of-control and, if the wrong mood should hit and I am not smart enough to remind myself of the condition, I could very well tear at the foundational building blocks that have built my life. I could throw my life away in a second. This seems to go hand-in-hand with my diet and nutrition as well: if I’m skipping vitamins and living the fast food life, my body retains water, I swell up and feel miserable. If I’m abstaining from crap food, everything normalizes from my sleep cycle to my energy and ambition. I have vowed to take control of my emotions and actions. I’ve been making smart decisions and calming myself down when everything looks terrible and pointless. It has only been a little while. Please, clarity, please, creativity, please, dreams, please, stay with me.

Admittedly, a lot of my self-worth is invested in my relationship. I give a lot, to Daniel. Our relationship can feel like a gauge for my own personal well-being. ‘We’ are something I treasure. And we are in a stable place right now. It takes focus and lots of perspective. I need to always feel like we’re moving, so this year I’ve decided in my head that I’m going to assist him in his “outdoor Summer” he has declared, and spend time together working with the landscape that I love more and more each day. I’m also going to support him in whatever indoor task he takes on, as there are plenty of rooms and renovations to go before the house is fixed up or otherwise sold. Our future is unclear – we have so many separate goals to reach that we aren’t in a place to discuss any next levels like that. The objective is to realize what we have, appreciate it, and care for it together.

I look forward to enjoying just that.


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