Observations Of a Villainess

He said, you can feel it as it starts to happen. You start to taste it.

And I stood there, immersed in his humility, with that little bit of blood he had missed between his nostrils.

He was branded when I met him, long sleeves rolled up high enough that it showed. I see a lot of scripture. The names of people. But I hadn’t seen a boy with a black flower, before.

When I got up close I saw that it was dated. Like little wooden crosses you see on the side of the road.

I made sure to shout something rude in his direction whenever I walked by. New hire and all. Some of my coworkers reported that they didn’t like him – said he was awkward. Eventually I told him so.

“I’m not awkward!”

The thought crossed my mind to explain it. How I came to regard him the moment I picked up on his uncertainty and made sure to speak a certain way or say a certain thing. And that once I broke though that, how he seemed okay and even likable.

He showed up to the holiday party wearing a pocket watch and a vest – I asked, “What kind of shit is this?” and he just smiled and whipped the bowling balls down the alley like he didn’t give a fuck. They had to tell him to stop throwing them so far out because they would  smash on the wood and spin out of control.

At random he proclaimed, “I’m so happy! I finally got one of my knives back” and I knew there were eccentricities abound.

He came from California. On his old driver’s license he is wearing a bow tie. He will tell you that he watches anime and reads manga and plays silly games on the computer and you will shake your head, silently wondering what you’ve missed since you did, too.

Abbey noticed that of all the easy targets, I never gossip about him. We always play this game, since I have to constantly enforce policy, that I am The Villainess.

“My evil powers will not touch that boy.”

“Wow. I think that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said.”

On his arm, is someone who died. Every day he wakes up and she killed herself and William doesn’t want her to ever go away.

It pisses me off. I fail to see what she accomplished in order to deserve that. Part of him should not be decided by the poor decision from an awful tragedy when there is still beauty to behold. It interrupts the space between his wrist and his elbow. There are so much better things within. I get so fed up if he comes around and I see it at the wrong time. I hate how it catches my eye.

In the hub a bunch of us were eating Thanksgiving dinner. A movie was playing on opposite walls, some action, some funny lines in the middle of explosions. When I looked up the hero’s family was sinking in a vehicle submerged in water.

“Why do the backstories always have to be so terrible?” William mused, sitting across the room.

I stuck my plastic fork in the stuffing. Never looking away from my plate I said, “Why is there someone who always has to die.”

Thump, thump.

It wasn’t until I caught myself staring at his bloody nose, wondering why that never happened to me, if it tasted like when I used to wriggle loose baby teeth with my tongue, that I was like okay.

Maybe his fuckin’ pocket watch…maybe his bow tie…maybe this child… is wonderful.

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Coming To Think Pink

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This was originally intended to be a quick photo of the pink lilies I brought inside (bottom:right) and ended up as several inside photos from my home’s “pink room” where many things are contained. And yes, those are Furbies from different generations.

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Outside, a lot of the pink lilies have taken over.

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I did a little research on how we came to associate “pink” with things like: glamour, girls, etc and it seems to have taken a lot of strong opinion over a span of time in order for us to so widely share our description and its “appropriate” applications in western culture. My personal belief is that there had to be more logical association behind it. Maybe the way we thought of the color pink began as simple as the reactions from a girl’s flushed face. Or vagina.

Then one day while on the battlefield a king tore the heart from his enemy. It was red. So he was all, “We’re giving red to the guys.” Etc etc, and so the colors were assigned.

DUHHH.

But So Red Underneath

Like snow dripping too slowly from the top of my mailbox to see,

The still life on a lawn covered and leveled,

Frozen branches too heavy to sway in the chilly air,

No noise, no motion, not anyone there.

That’s what it is like and a million other things. What about the words for no words?

Surely this was never a danger to me. Look how the lava has cooled, see how the rock has eroded. Reminiscent of something I knew to be so much better.

That erratic rambling, blaming you, blaming me, blaming an unnamed supernatural force in the imaginary game of life and death where no one is even close to standing on a cliff’s edge… the words go in circles, first claiming to understand how or why as someone else, and flipping back and forth between who really “knows” depending on whichever side is in support of the moment… such careless, careful words intended to shape and mold the sort of life that would actually forgive such manipulative, selfish endeavors.

Curse at the mother or father of a child as you justify your actions, paving your ‘righteous’ way, and you damn half of that child’s soul. You won’t realize it until they’re old enough to think of you and say, “I could never feel the love, in fact, I felt a lot of pain.”

Readers: if you have a history of family illness and the symptoms are there, the most abhorrent, loveless thing you can do for the people in your life is to neglect seeking medical help. That purposeful, asinine refusal to acknowledge the signs but still use them when you need reasons is absolutely inexcusable.

My anger, when dragged out of me and formed into sentences, reads like this.

The embarrassment of approaching a door with your guardian angel before you, weapons drawn, and going in to find… this foolish dribble after assembling your finest defense… the turn of events have been humiliating. To think that I was ever such a fool.

To think that I can only see it now,

That others are only admitting it now,

As the revelations render us speechless.

What say you, magical creature? Faith grasps the doorknob behind us and I can feel her taking that indescribable glance, that connection that I can’t touch, and utters a sound I can’t hear, before closing the door.

No leaks. No ripples, not even the wind. Just the absence of force that would probably have blown my kingdom away.

That is what winter stillness is like. That and a million other things,

In the words for no words.

Right As Reign

Tell them. Even if the descriptions fall short and it seems like you could never quite explain. If you need a moment, take a moment – it’s not giving up so long as you know that you must say what needs to be said. When there simply are no words, you must reach for them, anyway.

There may come a day when one of your songs becomes loud enough for everyone to hear. It will seem as though the world is teetering on every note and whether the melody will burst into chorus or fade in a minor chord. Beware, if this soundtrack does not come free. Ask yourself what I asked of me.

What have you been building? Is it Good?

Pay no mind to the fools who say they never look back, because they have failed to put the correct things into context. Delve into the past; it’s where wars have been ended. I’ve seen dreams broken by silence and I have been inspired by what I’ve found in shadow. Unravel the mysteries that will allow you to make a decision today. Expand your heart and your life by lighting up the dark.

Be brave, be thoughtful and present always and no one can shut you out – your adversaries will only put locks on themselves.

If someone offers you, a dream that you once had

At the price of going from Queen to Bitch For the Rest Of Your Life,

You are either way human.

Should you entertain the sound of it at the disapproval of your advisors,

“We’ve been through this.”

Your eyes will fill with tears,

Your inner court will gasp,

Your heart will grow heavy,

But you will know what is for the best

If you are truly right as reign.